Thick and Thin Ch.3 - Free ISC Genderbend Fanfic

"I Think I'm In Love with You"  

(HARUKA)  

School had just closed for the winter. I woke up that morning, intending to spend the day just like I had been spending the last week or so - soaking in my bathtub. I climbed out of bed, undressed, and then headed straight for my bathroom. After a hot shower, I eased myself into a lukewarm bath. I sighed contentedly, then allowed myself to sink into the water, up to the bridge of my nose. I lay that way until the water had gone cold, staring at a small dolphin toy bobbing in the water in front of me, and concentrating on nothing in particular.  

I had just brought my nose above water for a breath of air and was about to go under again when I heard my cell phone ringing in the next room. I thought about who it might be - my parents? I could call them back later. I sank again, and closed my eyes, when the phone began ringing again. Annoyed, I finally pulled myself out of the bath and went into the room. Dripping with water, I picked up the phone, only to see that it was Makoto calling. I answered quickly before the ringing stopped. 

"Good morning, Haru," he said cheerfully. 

"Hey," I answered. 

"What are you doing?" 

"I was having a bath."  

Makoto laughed at my answer. "I should have guessed. Are you too busy to go out with me?" 

"Um .  . ." I was reluctant to abandon my bath, but I had been feeling a little down lately, and I decided that an excursion with Makoto could probably lift my spirits. 

We bundled up in our winter clothes and took the train into town. Makoto's mother had given him a list of things to pick up at the shops, but we took the opportunity to do some window-shopping, and begin making plans for Christmas gift-giving. Although I usually didn't like crowds, there was always something special about the busyness of the town as Christmas approached. At some points, the crowd was so thick that Makoto and I had to hold hands while we wove through the crowds, in order to avoid losing each other. 

When we decided to break for lunch, we sat side by side in a booth at one of our favourite restaurants. While I dug into my mackerel tempura, Makoto turned to me and smiled.  

"I'm glad to see you feeling happy again, Haru," he said, his voice just louder than a whisper. "You haven't been yourself lately."  

I realised that Makoto was right - I had been isolating myself from my friends for a while, but I hadn't thought that they'd really noticed, since I liked to go off on my own occasionally. I was embarrassed by my actions, but at the same time, I was grateful that he had been thoughtful enough to notice my sadness, and to invite me out to cheer me up. The truth was that the one-year anniversary of my grandmother's death was drawing nearer, and I found the memories of losing her to be overwhelming at times - I needed to get away sometimes to cry or just to reminisce, but I hadn't spoken to my friends about it. As I stared into Makoto's concerned eyes, I realised that he had probably noticed that too. Smiling sheepishly, I thanked him for inviting me to town with him, and for being such a good friend. 

"Don't mention it," he said, before scooping a spoonful of curry into his mouth. "You know that I would do anything to make you smile." 

After lunch, he bought me ice cream in the park. We sat together on a bench while we ate. 

"I want to tell you something, Haru," Makoto said abruptly.  

"What is it?" I asked, concerned. The solemn tone of his voice worried me; however, when he saw my expression, he laughed to put me at ease.  

"It's nothing bad," he said. "It's just . . . something important." There was a pause before he continued. "I don't really know how to say this."  

"Just be frank," I told him. "Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll understand." Makoto seemed unsure of my advice. "That's what I would do," I assured him.  

"Okay." He took a deep breath, then continued. "To be frank, Haru, I think I'm in love with you." My heart seemed to stop for a moment, and I almost dropped my ice cream. "Actually," Makoto continued, "I have been for some time."  

"What do you mean, that you love me?" I asked. I was so shocked that my voice was wavering. Makoto looked confused as he thought about how to answer. 

"I mean that, I like you, but not in the ways that I did before. Before, you were just my friend, Haru. Now, you're Haru, and it's like Haru is everything to me. When I wake up in the morning, I think about Haru. Throughout the day, I'm looking out for Haru. And in the night, I want to be sure before I go to sleep that Haru is alright. And it's not a burden to care that much about you at all, because looking out for you makes me happy. If I have to live for someone, I want it to be you, Haru."  

"Those are strong words, Makoto," I said.  

"I mean every one. I've felt this way for a long time, but I wanted to be sure about my feelings before I told you."  

"How long have you felt like this?"  

"About a year. Maybe two." I couldn't believe it. All this time, while I had suspected that our relationship was nothing more than a platonic friendship, Makoto had been crushing on me, and crushing hard.  

"So . . . what do you want me to do?" I asked, feeling more nervous by the second.  

"Well, I'd like for us to start dating, if you want to. But if you don't want to, then I understand, and we never have to talk about it again. I just needed to get this off my chest."  

"What do you mean, 'never talk about it again'? Do you think we can ever go back to what we were before this? You just spilled all your feelings to me - I can never just see you as a friend anymore!" I didn't realise until I had stopped speaking, that I had been yelling at Makoto. I guess I was more shocked than I realised. The expression on Makoto's face was unreadable. "I'm sorry, Makoto," I said, quietly. "My emotions are volatile right now. I can't think about this today."  

I had always liked Makoto. I liked him. That was all. He was funny and kind, and he didn’t judge me or get uncomfortable when I didn’t feel like talking. Makoto supported me, and I supported him. Rin called us codependent. Whatever it was, it was comfortable. But thinking about loving Makoto made me extremely uneasy. I didn't even know what love was, really; much less could I know whether I could do it to Makoto. And what I had said was true: now that Makoto had told me how he felt, we couldn't possibly go back to being the same ever again. Regardless of what he said, it was only reasonable to assume that he expected me to love him back. I didn't know if I could, but if I didn't, would that mean that I would lose Makoto? It was too much to think about, so close to the anniversary of my grandmother's death.  

Makoto and I didn't talk much after that. On Grandmother's anniversary, I journeyed to the cemetery on my own. My parents were still away, and wouldn't be coming home until Christmas. When I had found her grave, I stood in front of it and just sobbed. There had been many times in my life when I had felt that there were only two people in the world who truly understood me. One of them was contained in an urn, hidden away in the grave before me. The other had recently confessed his love for me. If I lost him, I would be completely alone. I wished that my grandmother was with me then. She would have known what to say. She would have cheered me up with stories of her exciting youth as a young, beautiful heartbreaker (or so she said). She would have helped me sort out my feelings. All that I had now was my mother, and with her living so far away from me at such a crucial time in my life, she was a poor substitute. She didn't even really know me at all.  

My feelings overwhelmed me, and I fell to my knees, still crying. I was so lonely, and on top of that, I was angry. I was angry with the gods for letting Obaa-chan die. I was angry with my parents for leaving me alone. I was angry with my friends and teachers for not understanding me better. I was angry with myself for being so antisocial. Why couldn't I be a better person? Why did I always pull away when people reached out to me? Why did I always feel so lonely and out of place? I continued bawling, gripping Obaa-chan's grave until my knuckles hurt. If anything could have woken the dead that day, my cries surely would have. While I cried out to no one in particular, I heard a gentle voice beside me, and two strong arms wrapped around my shoulders.  

"It's alright, it's alright," the voice said, urging me to feel better. I didn't need to turn to see who it was. Only Makoto would have followed me all the way to the cemetery, especially after I had thrown his love confession back into his face. I loosened my grip on the grave, and held on to him for dear life, and he knelt down on the ground beside me. He sat with me for about an hour, while I cried all the tears that I'd been holding in that year. He stroked my hair and kissed my cheek, and told me that I was going to be okay. 

"I love you, Makoto," I gasped through my tears. "I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you." 

When I'd stopped crying, and my breathing had evened out, he pulled away from me and took a good look at me.  

"Look at you," he said, smiling. My face was a mess of tears and snot, and the saline tears were causing my eyes to swell. He pulled some tissues from his pocket, and wiped my face as gently as if it was his little sister that he was cleaning up. When he had finished, he helped me off the ground, and silently walked me home. We sat on my back step, where we were concealed from the neighbours somewhat, and we sat together for the whole afternoon, him cradling me in his arms, and kissing my forehead occasionally, until his mother called us over for dinner.  

When I think back on what I said to him, that day in the cemetary, I get shooting pains in my stomach. I probably shouldn't have said them, not when my mind was clouded with emotion, but I couldn't bring myself to take them back either. However, even after we started dating, I wasn't very sure of whether I was truly in love with Makoto, or if our codependent relationship had gotten the better of me.